Autopilot

While observing the grief inside me the waves are balanced by moments of forgetting. It's not forgetting what happened. It's rather moments where I need to focus on work, a task, a conversation that takes my full attention. These moments have been a gross wonder to me. How it is even possible. These were things I would do before without a thought and I continue to do them. The striking thing to me is how I'm on autopilot. I guess you could call it a meditative state because I've shed all thoughts when immersed in a task. It makes me feel more like an animal as these seem to be animal behaviors. Dogs will do dog things and Aaron will do Aaron things. Autopilot And then I remember. Again and again and again. It's like smaller versions of going through the same horror again. It is a constant nightmare. I'm not a suicidal person and I say that before my next statement for the sake of those who care about me. I do often have moments where I want to disappar, not exist. It's a flash of a moment but it is somewhat on the regular. First a sudden flash of internal anger and then a desire to escape all the terrible thoughts. No one wants to hear this. I wouldn't want to. Naturally people don't want to be around such pain. I understand. Why would anyone want to. Maybe if your feeling the same pain. It is lonely. Cherity is there for me. She knows what I know. She feels what I feel but even more as a Mother. To see the one you've loved the most, who raised your children with such care, love and attentiveness have to mourn a child is a cruel fate. I do not see an end just brief moments of forgetting which also seems cruel. The event is cruel and even the way to heal is cruel. Of course I won't forget so I cant fully heal... and that seems about right.

The paradox is that it is so painful to stumble upon a memory of Sebastian in my mind throughout the day and at the same time I am so very bitter as I feel in my body the day-to-day of his life slipping away. Sebastian had a way of walking in to a room.. in to the house. 

The pain can be a pair of his shoes that are left out. No we are not storing away his things...  It can be an item that triggers a memory of an interaction I had with Sebastian. A wrench, a can of brake cleaner, his car, one of his many hoodies.  Sometimes I find myself looking away from an item quickly or purposely moving my mind away from a thought to avoid the pain. I curse myself for this behavior. Sometimes I will caress an item of his and indulge. I keep a pair of his work gloves on his tool box that he never got to use... it was delivered to our house days after his death. He had been trying to track the shipment and was worried it wasn't coming. I use the tools in the toolbox and gently kiss his gloves when I am done. To me I imagine I am kissing his hands. I am also incredibly bitter as I feel in my body the day-to-day of his life slipping away. I am also terrified of my grief slipping away because in some ways it means memories are slipping away. I curse the life I have that requires me to move on and somehow do not have the ability to grieve every minute of the day.    

There is pain in the time of his life that he was taken from us. The last year I imagine he avoided me. It could be that I am imagining it. He was busy socially and worked a lot so there was not much time for us. This is how a 19 year old boys life should be I guess . . He was an adult and was making adult decisions. Some responsible and other I suspected were not so responsible. Maybe he thought it was better to just avoid conversations rather than be cornered in to having to avoid the truth of any behavior he knew I wouldn't approve of. I'm sure I was the same way at that age but I longed for a closer connection and even then I grieved for his childhood and my place in it. My purpose in life was to take care of my children and my value in that realm was becoming obsolete. 

I lost my son and it was painful that I was already losing him in some ways. His death was all the more painful because I had hope for the future for the two of us. Sebastian taught me that I had to let go of the control I thought that I had. He was in control. In some ways, he was out of control. I loved him so much but thought he had to learn the rest of his lessons on his own and I would be there for him when he made a mistake. 

So now I cry.

2 months 2 days

 I'm not sure what grief will look for like me in the future. I think about the arc of grief quite a bit. What will this look like in 6 months? 1 year?  and so on... I was thinking that the pain of missing my son would subside but actually just typing that reality in this exact sentence brings tears to my eyes. Today I have to consider that thinking about this loss and holding it will always be excruciatingly painful and will never be anything less. In some ways it seems like a blessing. I think the survival skill will be not thinking about it as much while doing other things but going back to it and grieving is the gift to honor him. 

It is a pain my body does not have the endurance to hold always but when I am allowed that ability then the grief is overwhelming. The reality of this is like missing a limb. We are a family of 5 but we don't know where the energy that filled Seb's body went. No one does. If it is nowhere then I want to be nowhere with my boy in internal non-existence. My time will come but I have 3 others I need to be there for.

There are so many memories I have of my boy.... So many. My mind has always worked like that. Cherity said she can't believe how many things I remember. I wish I could remember more. Everything I see around the house reminds me of him, a conversation with him, an argument with him, a laugh with him. Some moments I want to take all of these trinkets of life and hide them from view to save me the pain that comes with the memory... the pain that he is gone....and in the same breath I think what a terrible, shitty thing that would be to do that... as if to try to forget the existence of my son to avoid my grief . I am also so thankful I am able to honor him with this same grief. It is a paradox I do not understand and do not want to understand.  I want my son back.  

 So much pain. 

 I couldn't keep my son safe. I couldn't teach him to be more careful. I was unable to teach him to see the dangerous consequences of the risks he took. 

It's not a debate. God gave me more than I could handle in Sebastian and I failed him. I didn't understand him well enough to find the right way to sway him to safety. There was a way. I couldn't find it and I failed. 

God does indeed give you more than you can handle. What a purely stupid fucking thing to say that 'God doesn't give you more than you can handle'. 

July 6th 2023

Sebastian died in a car accident on July 6th. Fuck this world.

Faith?

 Why are people so free to state things about the deceased to the grieving when they have no idea?

"He's in a better place":

"He'll be there for you one day like you were there for him"

These are all nice sentiments and it may make them feel better and they are trying to make me feel better but how did we get to a place where it is normal to just make things up? It's made up because no one really knows but people still say these things. Isn't this strange?  The silver bullet word to explain this behavior is faith. But faith is not knowing. Faith is hope... a belief based on hope not real perceivable things. So is it fair to say you are making it up? Is that too harsh? It seems accurate to me.

Faith:

strong belief in God or in the doctrines of a religion, based on spiritual apprehension rather than proof.

I also found this statement about what faith is:

"the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen"

I drove to Colorado from Wisconsin with my college roommate and friend Rob when we were in our early twenties. We wanted to see the mountains and bike in the mountains. It was to be an epic adventure. We bounced around from different spots in the mountains to see as much as we could.  At one point Rob and I were in Colorado Springs trying to figure out how to get on the interstate. In those days there were no smartphones so we were relying on map books. I remember coming to some fork in the highway in downtown Colorado Springs and my Spidey senses said I should turn left. Rob said at the last minute before the turn, "No! Go right!" He was sure of it and so I went right. Soon after turning we realized the right turn was wrong and the left turn was correct. 

I thought Rob had looked at the map and that he knew that turning right was the correct direction. We were both tired and probably hungry and I was annoyed. I exclaimed "Why did you tell me to go right?! What on the map told you this was the right way!?" He started laughing and said "I don't know. I just guessed" as he continued laughing. It makes me laugh to think of his response because he just panicked and chose a direction and thought it was funny. I didn't think it was funny until he started laughing. 

I guess my thought is that someone's "faith" can put them (or you) on the wrong path. This situation probably cost us 10 minutes of driving but "faith" in something not real could put you on a path where you waste years of your life. I can hear Christians crying their arguments because they assume if I'm talking about faith I'm only talking about them. Obviously there are many things one can put their faith in and they would agree that putting faith in something else is misguided and potentially a waste of years but many Christians won't consider that they may be making a mistake. If you won't consider your decisions could be wrong I don't know how I'm supposed to talk to you. That is the starting point of a conversation for me. You have to be able to admit you might be wrong or perhaps there's more to the mystery .

Object permanence

I feel like a dog that doesn't have object permanence... except my problem is that the object of my desire IS gone but I can't see him as gone. My body thinks he's still at work or hanging out with friends even though I read our Eulogy to him in front a room full of people while standing next to his body. I kissed his cold forehead before they closed the casket. 

I can get there. I do understand he is gone throughout the day and I cry and I grieve but my silly animal brain can't hold it for as long as I feel like I need to or should. It frustrates me but I suspect my body/brain is doing it as a self preservation technique. I hate it.

There is this vision I have from a mix of nature documentaries I've seen. There is this sequence where a mother of a bear cub has passed away. The cub stays close to its mother's body and bleats or cries for a period of time. I remember watching this sequence with some dismay as a child who has lost his or her parent. Or perhaps I'm seeing it from the perspective of a parent who can no longer take care of its own child. Both ways it stirs something in me because I am part of this parent/child dynamic and know the emotions of distress and that parental/caring instinct and the love for my parents. 

But at some point the cub stops crying. The cub get's up and looks around and just abruptly …leaves. I am incredulous at this behavior! The cub moves on! I don't know what causes this sudden change. I assume the cub remembers that it is hungry and needs to survive. The coldness of that moment goes through my mind daily. The coldness that we move on. We move on like the simple animals we are. We as humans try to convince ourselves we are more because of our special brains. I'm not arguing that we may not be something more but I do believe we are also animals as much as we like to pretend we are not. 

I do not like this thought but I think about things I do not like a lot these days. 

 Just got back from a short 2 night trip in the mountains. Sort of a hunting trip as I had my bow but too short of a trip and too hot. Saw a moose and a cinnamon black bear so that was cool. I now have a head cold though. I think I broke down my immune system a little too much and picked up the bug everyone else has been getting in the family. 

Cherity completed here Masters degree last year and is working. Were still trying to understand the lay of the land with two parents working. Since both boys are graduated from high school and just Annie in school things aren't as complicated as they could have been. 

Sebastian is working and never home. Always hanging out with friends. He's trying to complete his motorcycle license certification which has been a big headache for him. The company he set up classes with has terrible customer service. Really frustrating. 

Owen is starting his first semester at Metro State University working towards a degree in CIS (Computer Information Systems). He is only in to his second week so far so fingers crossed things go well. He has a business communications class, 2 computer classes and accounting. 

Annie is in to 7th grade and just turned 12 a few weeks ago. She is navigating the hellish social aspects of 7th grade girls. I don't envy her one bit. She is staying positive most days. 

 Also, Annie and I played Uno last night. I won both games. The rules were different than I remember them but it's been a long time since I played and Annie was setting the rules. I used to play Uno with Heather all the time when she was probably 12 and I was maybe 7 give or take a year or so. 

 The Pandemic of Covid-19 has been going strong since March with reported devastation of about 300,000 Americans. There is now a vaccine so there is new hope! I'm stuck working from home and have been since March. I'd say it's been crazy but I would say it's been kind of boring. Can't go to sporting events, music events, etc. Have to wear a mask to the grocery store/public places. I was able to still go camping and hunting and really it's been sort of concerning how this hasn't effected me as much as maybe it has for other folks.  Has given me some time to reflect on possible things to do when the world opens up again. Also have spent way too much time in front of screens. I am definitely addicted to my phone. I hate it but at the same time there are things I wouldn't give up about having that sort of access at my fingertips. I need to find a structure to apply to my relationship with the stupid thing. Especially a problem during this time.  

Cherity just finished up her semester and has one semester left of classes and then needs to do a year long internship to graduate. From there she needs to figure out what she wants to do when she grows up. : ) I can't imagine having a double income and to tell you the truth I don't really believe it will actually happen. Won't believe it until I see I guess you could say. 

Owen has been in Platteville working for his Uncle Roy and Tony at their organic grocery store. I think he likes the work but I think he is going to come home in the spring or summer and will finish his associates and then decide what he wants to do from there. 

Sebastian has a girlfriend that he's been with for almost a year now. I think that was a blessing during Covid since he is such a social kid and a lot of his social outlets have been removed due to the pandemic. 

I've been working and running. Things are winding down a bit at work since we are coming up on Christmas and many people will be out for the holidays. Owen is flying home for Christmas and his birthday and we could drive back to Wisconsin after Christmas but not sure if that is a good idea with the pandemic, etc. We probably won't but may change our mind at the last minute.... 

So that's the update for now. I need to use this to just share random thoughts and not just use it for updates although there is value in this as well. 

Reflection

Just finished up with a run and pondering, again, how much time I want to put in to running, whether my body can hold up at my age, etc. I'm signed up for a Ragnar Ultra so that will help with the motivation until June.

There are many thoughts about teenagers, parenting, and spirituality that have challenged me over the last 5-10 years and it's been at a level of reflection that seems too personal to share but as the boys are getting to the final chapter's of their lives living with us I may feel more time is available to reflect or more time needs to be made available. Most of these thoughts have been internalized and some shared with Cherity. Life seems more complicated as your children become adults. Questioning whether there were better ways have caused a sense of anxiety. I am curious how I will feel about all of this in 10 years. I also fear the idea of '10 years out' at my age as that means, myself, and all those that are my age or older will be 10 years older than they are now. Yikes! While in my twenties that thought never even occurred to me. At this point it's more anxiety... Another topic placed in the closet to deal with later. I've been thinking about taking all these articles of my life out of the closet and hold them up to the light to get a look at them. The last 10 years have flown by and reflection is something I haven't done enough of but feel it's about time.