Autopilot

While observing the grief inside me the waves are balanced by moments of forgetting. It's not forgetting what happened. It's rather moments where I need to focus on work, a task, a conversation that takes my full attention. These moments have been a gross wonder to me. How it is even possible. These were things I would do before without a thought and I continue to do them. The striking thing to me is how I'm on autopilot. I guess you could call it a meditative state because I've shed all thoughts when immersed in a task. It makes me feel more like an animal as these seem to be animal behaviors. Dogs will do dog things and Aaron will do Aaron things. Autopilot And then I remember. Again and again and again. It's like smaller versions of going through the same horror again. It is a constant nightmare. I'm not a suicidal person and I say that before my next statement for the sake of those who care about me. I do often have moments where I want to disappar, not exist. It's a flash of a moment but it is somewhat on the regular. First a sudden flash of internal anger and then a desire to escape all the terrible thoughts. No one wants to hear this. I wouldn't want to. Naturally people don't want to be around such pain. I understand. Why would anyone want to. Maybe if your feeling the same pain. It is lonely. Cherity is there for me. She knows what I know. She feels what I feel but even more as a Mother. To see the one you've loved the most, who raised your children with such care, love and attentiveness have to mourn a child is a cruel fate. I do not see an end just brief moments of forgetting which also seems cruel. The event is cruel and even the way to heal is cruel. Of course I won't forget so I cant fully heal... and that seems about right.