2 months 2 days

 I'm not sure what grief will look for like me in the future. I think about the arc of grief quite a bit. What will this look like in 6 months? 1 year?  and so on... I was thinking that the pain of missing my son would subside but actually just typing that reality in this exact sentence brings tears to my eyes. Today I have to consider that thinking about this loss and holding it will always be excruciatingly painful and will never be anything less. In some ways it seems like a blessing. I think the survival skill will be not thinking about it as much while doing other things but going back to it and grieving is the gift to honor him. 

It is a pain my body does not have the endurance to hold always but when I am allowed that ability then the grief is overwhelming. The reality of this is like missing a limb. We are a family of 5 but we don't know where the energy that filled Seb's body went. No one does. If it is nowhere then I want to be nowhere with my boy in internal non-existence. My time will come but I have 3 others I need to be there for.

There are so many memories I have of my boy.... So many. My mind has always worked like that. Cherity said she can't believe how many things I remember. I wish I could remember more. Everything I see around the house reminds me of him, a conversation with him, an argument with him, a laugh with him. Some moments I want to take all of these trinkets of life and hide them from view to save me the pain that comes with the memory... the pain that he is gone....and in the same breath I think what a terrible, shitty thing that would be to do that... as if to try to forget the existence of my son to avoid my grief . I am also so thankful I am able to honor him with this same grief. It is a paradox I do not understand and do not want to understand.  I want my son back.