I've been reading and listening and taking it all in. Ideas, thoughts, beliefs.... yeah all that... and I'm drawn to it... but I move on. I have trouble seeing it in myself. I don't question myself. It's like I'm extremely selfish and totally unaware that I exist, all in the same vein. Then again, I suppose you have to be somewhat unaware of self or have to have not looked at your world from outside self to be selfish. (does that make sense?). I'm just doing, living, riding my bike to work, coming home for lunch, coming home from work. I've lost my creativity, or forgotten it, and then I think... who cares? What good does my creativity do in regards to paying the heating bill? (It would keep MY soul warm.) My blog is a form of creativity but often times more of a documentation of a life that will be forgotten in 3 generations... and... Is being remembered important? What the heck does "making a difference" mean in the grand scheme? The most positive-big-smiled-save-the-world answer won't help me because I'm immovable.
I came out of the St. Stanislaus church gym last night. Right across the street is the East End Rec Center. All the undesirable teens hang out there (one block from my house). A young teenage black kid came tearing out of the rec center screaming, what appeared to be, in agony. He seemed incredibly distraught. The way he was hopping around and from what he was yelling it appeared maybe someone died. It was total raw emotion. He was running around, as if trying to escape something, backpedaling, juking, kicking bike racks and trash cans. There was another kid earnestly crying. I don't know what came of it or why it was. I paused because I was concerned or maybe I was just curious. I was late for a reservation. That seemed silly compared to this kids pain. I wanted to go over and give the guy a hug and tell him I was sorry. He was surrounded by a gaggle of other unruly, un-parented, teens and he appeared to be looking for someone to punch more than anything and maybe that's why the other kid was crying and maybe this kid just got dumped by his puppy-love girlfriend, but I don't know if I would have minded getting punched in the face if it made him feel better. It's interesting how the emotion of others brings out your own emotion some time. I think deeply rooted inside of us we are truly relational people and that's how we should live despite how uncomfortable that may make us feel...
4 comments:
beautiful post aaron! i would attempt a lengthy response, but i haven't had my morning java quota filled yet...not awake fully in other words!
Hey, Aaron...does the fact that you warm alot of us up inside with your daily testimonials or thoughts help? You do spread some good things to us. It helps us go on, inspires us, and makes us laugh. The same way alot of these bloggers do (my husbands). You are showing your light of Jesus to us, by sharing your life. I was just thinking as I was looking at Seb. There are alot of things that go through our head when we see that little blondie now. His little life is still with us, and we wouldn't have known the agony you went through, if you wouldn't have blogged his accident. Those thoughts you share are precious to us. They mean something. We feel more connected to you than ever. My only wish is we all had more time together to really get to know one another. But your blogging helps us in that regard, for your side of things. And as for your not being creative these days, I say it is all over your blog. You give it to us whenever you post.
I love you brother,
LCS
Aaron
(For some reason I almost erased this a couple of times. Worried about what putting myself out there might be be construed as. Your post gave me the courage though.)
Since I saw my Mom die right there in front of me, I realized that I am just going to die. A lot of days that just makes me feel resigned. Like why the heck do I try so hard. Why does anything I do or say matter? sooner rather than later I'll just be gone like her too. Dust.
I hear some of that in your post. Some in pop culture call it the Quarter Life Crisis. I think we're all just coming to terms with our own mortality. Really accepting the meaninglessness of it all. And trying to find our own importance in all of that. I've been thinking of Robin and Cherity losing their friend at such a young age. How that must have effectd them.
Let yourself wallow I say. don't let anyone tell you to "get over it." It's the contrast that makes things exist. Without the Yin there couldn't be Yang. Without true sorrow you wouldn't know true bliss either. Then as Jon was saying, it might help if you look for the love, for God, in each feeling and moment. Even the ones that at the time look like agony. If you find him there let me know.
oh man Aaron,
You explained emotions so eloquently. Sometimes it's that punching pain that can make you maximize life's beautiful moments.
We may not know we're changing the world. But look at mom and dad. Two people. 7 kids... 10 grandkids. Extending generations... I think we leave our mark on the world.
Look at your favorite picture, favorite piece of art - if you were to take out one element - a person - a flower - a sled - would it be the same? If that picture represented the world around us - then you took away key elements or people - it would not be the same -and would change.
I so enjoy reading your thoughts - as Lee said - you inspire us and let us feel closer to you at the same time each time you publish.
OK - way deep - gotta get ready to take the kids to the mall to run around in the play area... perhaps we need to burn off a little winter hibernation weariness...
LOVE!
Heather.
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